some jokes in english

 

If you are an English teacher, try to improve your classes working jokes with your students. I’m sure you are going to be successful in the end of your class your pupils are going to thank you for the productive class they have. It’s good to teach jokes to the pupils because it motivates them to don’t miss next class and to learn different texts and learn to communicate in different languages. Besides stimulating them to learn the English language, also they are happy and free at the class time and none of them go out the classroom complaing from your given class.

On the contrary, they are going to make each other wonderful commentaries about what have learned in the classroom. Imagine how much they are going to value your work and talk mouth by mouth about it.

In short, when you tell a joke, you can smile a lot and if you are full of personal problems, in this moment, you suddenly stop being sad and worried and change your face expression, all the problems disappear and your life flies around you, certainly you are very happy and pleased. I enjoy listening to funny jokes. I think they are essencial for our lives, because living just facing stresses and suffering nowadays kill us and we need to rest from our jobs mainly when we work hard day by day.

Finally I invite you to laugh and smile so much. After reading my jokes you can comment to each one if you prefer. Thank you for your attention and I’m waiting for you here in my blog forever.

2 x 11

Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?

Because two times ten is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too!

 

 

Long grass

One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.

He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.

"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.

"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.

The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."

"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.

The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"

"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.

Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.

One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."

 

 

 

Dear Susan

A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...


  Dear Peter

  As you are in jail I will have to plant the 
  potatoes in the garden myself.

  When is the best time to plant them?

  Love

  Susan


He sends her the following reply... 


  Dear Susan

  Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
  that is where I have hidden all the money
  from the bank robberies.

  Love

  Peter


A few days later he receives another letter...


  Dear Peter

  It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen 
  came to the house and dug up the whole
  garden, but they didn't find anything.

  Love Susan


He sends her the following reply...


  Dear Susan

  Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!

  Love

  Peter
 
 
 
 
 

Doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."

The doctor asked the man to explain more.

The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it

hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

 

Good news, bad news

The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had


showers or been able to change their clothes.

Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some

good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"

All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."

The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're

going to change our underwear."

All the men cheered.

 

 

Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.

Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

In the classroom

A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning


with 'I', please."

Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."

The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a

sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."

Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."

The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."

Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

Fortune teller

Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to


see what she could predict about the future.

The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.

The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.

Later that year one of the king's wives died.

He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that

she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.


He decided to put her to death.

He ordered that she be brought before him.

When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you

predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them


has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"

The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,

so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days


before you do, your majesty."

Supermarket

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.


The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,


and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.


Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."

The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."

The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are

a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

ENGLISH TESTS FOR BRAZILIAN STUDENTS

 

1. READING

Young farmer
At the age of four, Gavin Clark knew the names of each one of his neighbour's cows. By ten, he was selling milk and cheese to other neighbours, and was winning prizes at farm shows. Now, at thirteen, he still loves farming and has his own animals. Presents for Gavin are not a problem – every year he gets another animal from his parents and brother.
Gavin's father, Steven, works for an international company and travels all over the world. Gavin has visited many exciting places in Europe with his father. But he is much happier spending each weekend working on his neighbour's farm! Steven's company wanted him to move to Portugal with the family. Everyone liked the idea of living in a new country – but not Gavin! He said he wouldn't leave his animals!
In his free time, Gavin plays tennis and football. He goes out with his friends and enjoys computer games, just like other teenagers. But every morning, he gets up at half past five to give his animals food and water, before he goes to school. His parents want him to go to college and get a diploma when he is sixteen. 'Let's wait and see,' he says, 'because I will have my own farm by then!'

QUESTIONS:

1) Gavin's family never know what presents to give him.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

2) Steven enjoys working in different countries.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

3) On Saturdays and Sundays, Gavin has a job near his home.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

4) Gavin didn't agree with his parents about moving to Portugal.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

5) Gavin is too busy with his animals to have any other hobbies.   

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

6) Mr and Mrs Clark get up at the same time as Gavin in the morning.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

7) Gavin has decided to study for a diploma at college.

    Right (   ) Wrong (   ) Doesn't say (   )

2. WRITING

You want to ask your English friend, Paul, to come to your party on Saturday.
Type 25–35 words.

 

Say:
•    why you are having the party.
•    where the party will be.    
•    what Paul should bring to the party.

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

3.USE OF ENGLISH

ACTIVITY 1

read the text below. Use the word given in capitals at the end of some of the lines to form a word that fits in the gap in the same line.

YOUNG – CONTRIBUTE – INTERNATIONAL- ORIGIN – REGULAR –INTERRUPT – POINT – DELIGHT – SCIENCE - RESEARCH

A 13-year-old girl from Durban has become the __________1
                                                                                    

person to have had a ______________2 accepted by the 
                                                                                      

3 ________________respected South African Medical Journal. 
                                                                           

Safura Karim _______________4 did her research into ‘PlayStation® Thumb’ as part of a school project. It gives details of the injuries that many of her schoolmates _______________5 suffer from, and which are 
                                                                         

caused by the ___________6 use of computer games for hours and hours. Safura thinks that computer games are ___________7 and does not own a PlayStation herself.

She said that she was ________________8 to hear that her article had been accepted by the journal. She comes from a ___________9 family – her parents are both ___________10 , and she is hoping to become a doctor. 
                                                          

ACTIVITY 2

read the text below. Use the word given in capitals to form a word that fits in the gap.

PERCEIVE- DRAMA – EVIDENT – BURGLE – MORAL – MUG – DECIDE – CONTROVERSY – SIGNIFY – APPEAR - ORAL

Rising crime?

In recent months there has been a growing __________13 among the general public that crime in this country is on the increase. __________14 newspaper headlines imply that somebody is being murdered around every corner, but the __________15 simply doesn’t add up. The truth is that crimes such as __________16 have declined considerably in the last year, suggesting that contrary to public opinion, the nation is not as __________17 as some appear to believe, and not everybody is living next door to a violent __________18 . There has been some fairly 19 action by the police. In a __________20 move last year, they initiated a policy of getting tough on persistent young offenders, and they have had a __________21 amount of success in this area. Moreover, the __________22 of more policemen on the streets has almost certainly kept crime levels low.

2.READING

Choose the most suitable headings for the paragraph A from the list of headings given.

The coral reefs of Agatti Island
A  Agatti is one of the Lakshadweep Islands off the south-west coast of India. These islands are surrounded by lagoons and coral reefs which are in turn surrounded by the open ocean. Coral reefs, which are formed from the skeletons of minute sea creatures, give shelter to a variety of plants and animals, and therefore have the potential to provide a stream of diverse benefits to the inhabitants of Agatti Island. 


Paragraph A

(   ) Island legends

(   ) Resources for exchange

(   ) Competition for fishing rights

(   ) The low cost of equipment

(   ) Agatti’s favourable location

(   ) Rising income levels

(   ) The social nature of reef occupations

(   ) Resources for islanders’ own use

(   ) High levels of expertise

(   ) Alternative sources of employment

(   ) Resources for earning money

(   ) Social rights and obligations